You Can’t Fix Yourself Alone: Anger, Repair, and the Power of Connection

Published on 14 March 2025 at 09:22

You tell yourself you can handle it. That if you just keep your head down, do your work, and stay professional, the tension will pass. But it doesn’t. Every day in your toxic academic library feels like a slow burn—emails laced with condescension, meetings where you’re ignored or undermined, the constant weight of working in a system that devalues you.

You try to let it go. You meditate. You journal. You read about self-improvement, about radical acceptance, about managing your emotions. But the anger stays, humming just beneath the surface, waiting for the next slight to spark it back into a blaze.

Here’s the truth no one wants to say: you can’t fix yourself alone.

The Limits of Introspection

We’ve been sold the idea that understanding ourselves is the key to healing. That if we can just name our traumas, trace our patterns, and recognize our triggers, we can regain control. And to some extent, self-awareness matters. But introspection alone is a trap.

David Brooks’ research makes this clear: introspection is overrated. The deeper you go into your own thoughts, the more you reinforce your existing beliefs. If you already feel powerless, if you already believe your workplace is hopeless, introspection often just loops you back to those same conclusions.

When you’re in a toxic environment, your mind distorts reality. You begin to see everything through the lens of exhaustion and frustration. You replay conversations over and over, dissecting every word. You try to make sense of why certain colleagues behave the way they do, why leadership turns a blind eye, why you feel so unseen. But sitting in your own mind won’t give you a solution—it will only solidify the mental models you already have.

If the foundation is cracked, thinking harder won’t fix it. You don’t need more self-reflection. You need an outside perspective.

Why Repair Requires Others

Anger is isolating. It convinces you that no one else sees what you see, that no one else feels what you feel. It tells you that you’re alone in this.

But you’re not.

Healing doesn’t come from spending more time in your head. It comes from talking to people who can see what you can’t. It comes from conversations with friends, mentors, colleagues—the ones who can hold up a mirror and reflect a different version of you than the one distorted by workplace toxicity.

Other people give you:

Perspective. They see the patterns you’re too close to recognize.
Validation. They remind you that what you’re experiencing is real, that you’re not imagining it.
Possibility. They help you see ways forward when all you can see is a dead end.

If anger has convinced you that you’re alone, connection is the only thing that can prove it wrong.

Meditation and the Broken Self

Does this mean meditation and self-reflection are useless? No. But they’re not enough.

Meditation can help you sit with your emotions instead of drowning in them. It can help you notice your thought patterns without immediately believing them. It can help you separate your anger from your identity.

But it won’t reconstruct a broken self. It won’t rewrite your internalized beliefs about your worth. It won’t give you a new way of seeing the world. That only happens in conversation, in relationships, in the back-and-forth of hearing how others see you.

If introspection is staring at your reflection in a cracked mirror, communication is someone handing you a new one.

Finding Your People

If you’re stuck in a toxic academic library, where do you go from here? The answer isn’t just inward—it’s outward.

Find one trusted colleague. They don’t have to be your best friend, just someone who gets it.
Talk to people outside of work. Their distance gives them clarity you don’t have.
Seek professional networks. Whether it’s an online community or a librarian support group, find voices that remind you that you’re not alone.
Allow yourself to be seen. Anger thrives in isolation. Healing happens in connection.

If you’re exhausted from trying to fix yourself alone, stop. The repair you’re looking for isn’t inside your own head. It’s in the spaces between you and the people who remind you of who you are.

When You See Someone Else Stuck in Anger

Sometimes, it’s not just you. You see it in a coworker—the sharpness in their voice during meetings, the way they shut down or snap at small things, the tension that follows them like a shadow. You might think, They’re just bitter or They need to let it go. But if you’re paying attention, you know that no one becomes angry all the time without a reason.

Anger isn’t just an emotion; it’s a signal. It’s telling you—and them—that something isn’t right. And if they’re stuck in that state, it’s likely because they don’t see a way out.

So what can you do?

1. Validate, Don’t Dismiss

Saying “You just need to move on” or “You’re overreacting” will only make things worse. Instead, acknowledge what they’re feeling:

“I can see how frustrating that must be.”
“I’d be upset too if I were in your position.”
“That doesn’t sound fair.”

Validation doesn’t mean you agree with everything they say. It just means you recognize their feelings as real and legitimate.

2. Offer Perspective, Not Solutions

When someone is deep in anger, they might not be able to see anything beyond it. You can help by offering a different lens—without trying to “fix” them.

“I know it feels like no one cares, but I heard [another coworker] speak up about that issue last week. You’re not the only one who sees it.”
“It seems like this keeps coming up for you. Have you thought about what you need to feel differently?”
“What would make this situation feel more manageable for you?”

They may not be ready to hear it, but planting the seed of a new perspective matters.

3. Be a Safe Space, Not a Sounding Board

There’s a difference between supporting someone and letting them spiral. If every conversation is just them venting about the same problems without ever considering change, you might need to set boundaries.

Encourage next steps: “I hear you. Do you want to brainstorm ways to address it, or do you just need to vent?”
Redirect the focus: “I know that situation is frustrating. What’s something you’re working on that excites you?”

Anger can become a loop. Helping someone shift their focus—even momentarily—can be a small but meaningful intervention.

4. If You’re a Supervisor, Recognize What’s Beneath the Anger

If the person struggling is an employee, consider what’s driving their frustration. Chronic anger at work often stems from deeper issues:

Feeling unheard or undervalued
Lack of agency or control
Unfair treatment or systemic dysfunction

Rather than trying to suppress their anger, ask: “What would help you feel more supported?” Sometimes, giving someone even a small sense of control—whether it’s involving them in decision-making or recognizing their contributions—can help diffuse resentment.

5. Encourage Connection

People stuck in anger often isolate themselves. If you sense someone pulling away, invite them back in:

Include them in small moments of connection—a casual chat, a coffee break, a shared frustration that isn’t all-consuming.
Remind them they’re more than their anger. Point out their strengths, their humor, their value.
Encourage them to talk to others. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is remind them they don’t have to navigate this alone.

Anger as a Signal, Not an Identity

If you see a coworker or employee who is always angry, don’t just write them off. Their anger isn’t the problem—it’s a symptom of something deeper. When people feel seen, heard, and supported, anger loses its grip.

And sometimes, the best way to help someone out of their anger is to remind them that they don’t have to hold it all alone.