The Complexity of Being Liked and “Niceness” in Toxic Work Environments

In many professional settings, the desire to be liked can significantly shape how we interact with colleagues. Coupled with the social expectation to always be nice, these factors can complicate workplace dynamics—especially in environments where toxic behaviors are common. While being liked and maintaining niceness are often seen as social and professional assets, in toxic workplaces, these behaviors can sometimes enable and even exacerbate the very issues they seek to mitigate. From a Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, and Accessibility (DEIA) perspective, the intersection of being liked and niceness can present additional challenges, particularly for those from historically marginalized groups.

The Desire to Be Liked: A Double-Edged Sword

It's natural to want to be liked, particularly in environments where collaboration is key. But in workplaces where toxicity is present—manifesting in behaviors like gossip, passive aggression, micromanagement, or unchecked bias—the need for approval can become a double-edged sword. People-pleasing behaviors can lead to avoiding conflict, tolerating injustice, and taking on extra workloads, all in the name of maintaining harmony.

For individuals from underrepresented or marginalized backgrounds, the desire to be liked can be even more fraught. DEIA work often involves challenging the status quo, advocating for systemic change, and speaking up about inequities. In toxic environments, this advocacy may be met with resistance, with individuals feeling pressured to conform to dominant workplace norms to avoid being seen as "difficult" or "disruptive." The quest for social acceptance can hinder important DEIA efforts and perpetuate harmful dynamics.

The “Niceness Trap” and Its Impact on DEIA

In toxic environments, the pressure to always be nice can further complicate this issue. Niceness, while seemingly harmless, often comes with an unspoken expectation of compliance and non-confrontation. This pressure can be particularly challenging for individuals engaged in DEIA work, who may feel that pushing for inclusivity or raising concerns about inequitable practices could be seen as unkind or confrontational.

Niceness, particularly when over-practiced, can become a mask for avoiding difficult conversations. For those from marginalized groups, the expectation to be nice may lead to self-censorship, where important issues related to inclusion and equity are left unspoken. Worse, this emphasis on niceness can create environments where microaggressions, bias, or exclusionary behaviors go unchecked, as people are too focused on maintaining superficial harmony to address real, underlying problems.

The Problem with Phrases Like "Kill with Kindness"

Phrases such as "kill with kindness" are often used to encourage people to remain polite and agreeable, even when faced with difficult or toxic behaviors. While the intent behind these phrases might be to de-escalate tension or maintain professionalism, they can have unintended consequences, especially in toxic work environments.

In toxic dynamics, "killing with kindness" often translates to avoiding conflict and uncomfortable but necessary conversations. By relying on kindness to manage difficult situations, individuals may inadvertently allow toxic behaviors to persist unchallenged. This approach prioritizes surface-level harmony and stifles efforts to address systemic problems, including those related to DEIA.

For those engaged in DEIA work, phrases like "kill with kindness" can be especially problematic. Pushing for equity and inclusion often requires challenging bias, dismantling exclusionary practices, and confronting the status quo—actions that may disrupt the comfort of others. In these situations, prioritizing niceness can dilute the urgency and importance of advocating for meaningful change.

Toxic Behaviors in the Workplace and DEIA Challenges

In close-knit workplaces, toxic behaviors such as exclusion, back-channeling, or disproportionate workloads can disproportionately affect individuals from underrepresented groups. The compulsion to be liked and nice often intersects with these power dynamics, leaving marginalized individuals in a difficult position: either speak up and risk being labeled "difficult," or stay silent to preserve their standing in the organization.

This can undermine DEIA initiatives. If the push for diversity, equity, inclusion, and accessibility is perceived as threatening or disruptive, those advancing these efforts may be sidelined or ignored. Meanwhile, toxic behaviors like gatekeeping or withholding resources can persist, further marginalizing these voices and stalling progress toward a more inclusive workplace.

Leadership, Niceness, and DEIA Responsibilities

Leaders in workplaces face unique challenges when balancing the desire to be liked with the responsibility of addressing toxic behaviors and promoting DEIA. Leadership, by its nature, often requires difficult decisions and actions that may not always be popular. However, leaders who prioritize niceness and approval above fairness, accountability, and inclusivity may inadvertently allow toxic behaviors to flourish.

From a DEIA perspective, leaders must recognize that pushing for equity and inclusion may not always be met with universal approval. However, creating an environment where all individuals—regardless of background—feel respected, heard, and valued is far more important than being liked by everyone. Leaders have a responsibility to challenge the toxic dynamics that often hinder DEIA progress, even if doing so disrupts the perceived peace within the organization.

Using the CALM Framework to Navigate Toxic Dynamics

When facing toxic work environments where the pressure to be liked and always nice is prevalent, employing a strategic approach like the CALM Framework—Communication, Adaptability, Learning, and Management—can provide a way to address these challenges thoughtfully and constructively.

1. Communication: Speak with Clarity and Courage

Effective communication is key to dismantling toxic behaviors, especially when the desire to be liked or to "kill with kindness" may prevent addressing the root of issues. Instead of avoiding conflict for the sake of niceness, the CALM framework encourages transparent and direct communication.

• Toxic Behavior: Avoiding difficult conversations to maintain harmony.
• CALM Solution: Communicate openly and directly. Address toxic dynamics with clarity, especially when it comes to DEIA issues. Creating an inclusive workplace requires difficult but necessary conversations about bias, inequity, and exclusion. Incorporating DEIA in communication means making space for marginalized voices and ensuring all team members feel heard and respected.

2. Adaptability: Flexibility in Approaching Conflict and Inclusion

Toxic workplaces often resist change, making it hard for individuals to challenge the status quo without risking their standing. The adaptability component of the CALM framework encourages flexibility, allowing you to navigate difficult situations while advocating for change without feeling locked into maintaining an image of being liked.

• Toxic Behavior: Sticking to established norms to avoid being seen as confrontational.
• CALM Solution: Be adaptable in how you approach conflict, knowing that kindness doesn’t mean passivity. Be flexible and tailor your approach to different situations, advocating for DEIA principles while managing resistance. Adaptability also involves learning how to pivot strategies based on responses from colleagues and leaders.

3. Learning: Continual Growth Through DEIA and Personal Integrity

In toxic environments, there can be resistance to new ideas, particularly those involving DEIA work, as they challenge established power structures. The learning aspect of the CALM framework emphasizes continual personal and organizational growth.

• Toxic Behavior: Stagnation and resistance to new ideas, including DEIA initiatives.
• CALM Solution: Commit to lifelong learning, especially when it comes to DEIA. Foster an environment where continuous learning is encouraged, and make room for diverse perspectives. Encourage others to see difficult conversations around race, gender, equity, and inclusion as learning opportunities rather than conflicts.

4. Management: Leading with Integrity, Not for Approval

Management in the CALM framework focuses on leading with integrity rather than managing solely for approval. Leadership in toxic environments can sometimes feel like a balancing act between maintaining popularity and doing what’s right. This is especially true when addressing DEIA concerns, which can be uncomfortable but necessary for real progress.

• Toxic Behavior: Avoiding difficult decisions or confrontations to maintain likability.
• CALM Solution: Manage through fairness and integrity, not for the sake of being liked. Uphold DEIA values in leadership by ensuring that decisions reflect an inclusive and equitable approach. Leaders must not shy away from addressing toxic behaviors, even if it temporarily disrupts harmony.

Moving Forward with CALM and DEIA

Navigating toxic dynamics in a workplace while managing the desire to be liked or always being nice is challenging, but it’s not impossible. From a DEIA perspective, it’s critical to prioritize equity, inclusion, and integrity over seeking approval or avoiding conflict. By using the CALM framework’s focus on communication, adaptability, learning, and management, individuals and leaders alike can foster healthier, more inclusive work environments.

In the long run, prioritizing respect, accountability, and DEIA will yield deeper, more meaningful connections with colleagues and a stronger, more resilient work environment. Rather than focusing on being liked or avoiding conflict, strive to build a workplace culture where diversity, equity, inclusion, and accessibility are upheld and valued.